Becoming bold!
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been looking at the paradoxical issue of supporting both fat politics and weight loss. Today’s topic on Oprah was part two of have you let yourself go? (see this post re part 1) and I had a bit of an “a ha” re the paradox.
Today’s show struck me for a couple of reasons. First, the show included some video diary snippets from both the women featured in the program as well as other women who had responded to the first show. One in particular really touched me: it was a woman who held up some small (size 8?) jeans that she was once able to wear, followed by her current size 24 jeans, commenting:
It’s disgusting…I just feel really disgusted with what I’ve done to myself.
The show then puts up a Time magazine factoid saying that 80% of women don’t like what they see in the mirror in the morning.
The “a ha” for me was realizing that, as I alluded to yesterday, losing weight is impossibly hard. But accepting your own extra weight may be even harder.
So in a perfect world, you might not have (or need) the paradox of being against fat discrimination and for weight loss, but in the real world (at least my real world), this is simply where I find myself. And it is probably no more easy to turn off 40 years of fat phobia than it is to take off 10 lbs and keep them off.
This is one of the reasons I am feeling good about my choice. I’m pretty happy with my 259 lbs right now. The woman with the size 24 jeans is smaller than I am, but she’s miserable.
Maybe the issue isn’t the number. I’m happy now not because I’m a size 8, or even because I have the idea that I’ll ever wind up in the single digits size-wise. What I’m happy about is that I’ve (to borrow a diet phrase) stopped the insanity. Eating the way I have has resulted in losing 100+ pounds, but more importantly, it means I can get through the day feeling really good, both physically and mentally.
What really tickled me about today’s Oprah was something that Dr. Robin (Oprah’s go-to for most things psychological) had to say about women and the big lie many of us live under (emphasis mine):
The big lie is that you needed … the approval of other people to be happy. That if other people approved of you, that you would feel that you had good self-worth and value, and that’s a lie because other people cannot — even if they do think well of us — they cannot instill a sense of well being and a sense of satisfaction. That has to start from within. …
But the word that comes to me is boldness. What it means to become bold in our lives. So as you’re launching your comeback … we’re really inviting a bold woman to grow herself up in us.
I also think this relates to the issue of being a subject rather than an object. I like the idea that bold women are more likely to be subjects who know who they are and are living their lives in a way that is compatible with their inner selves, rather than objects who tend to measure their self-worth based on others’ opinions of them.
Just a reminder, here’s what Eleanor Roosevelt said:
In the long run there is no more liberating, no more exhilarating experience than to determine one’s position, state it bravely, and then act boldly.
I liked the concept of “acting boldly” so much it became the name of this blog. Whether thin or fat, inviting a bold woman to grow herself up in us is, IMO, one awesome idea.
OK, I wanted to say something witty and/or enlightened, but I got stuck on this:
I’m pretty happy with my 259 lbs right now. The woman with the size 24 jeans is smaller than I am, but she’s miserable.
I wear 24 jeans. I weigh 35 pounds more than you. And obviously even more than the lady on the TV! What the heck? I’ve got some boobs on me, I’ll admit, but they’re not THAT big!
Now the science side of my brain is all in a tizzy. Density? Distribution? Fat head? Where’s the extra 35+?
Beth, you continue to delight me with your writing and sensibility. I like hearing that somebody, somewhere has finally admitted that a sense of self-worth comes from the inside of a person. It is not what others think of us that makes us feel good, it’s what we think of ourselves that counts. And what we think of ourselves is based upon, in part, what we do. As the saying goes, when you do better, you feel better. When you eat well, exercise and take care of yourself, you become a person you can count on, which leads to a genuine sense of self-esteem. This point of view has a lot of utility since you cannot control what others think, you cannot help how you were raised nor the genetic endowment you received. You cannot help how you feel or sometimes what you think. But, you can control your own actions. Assuming responsibility for this IS a bold action in a culture which encourages everyone to default to victimhood as a first line of defense.
Debra, your comment about becoming a person you can count on reminds me of something Ann Richards (former TX gov) said:
Learn to enjoy your own company. You are the one person you can count on living with for the rest of your life.
This was why my second “a ha” moment was so important. And like I’ve said before, it’s as much about finding out just how much personal power you actually have that is really amazing to me.
And Carla, I do have big boobs (currently 42H), but I’m also pretty bottom heavy (I just measured; my 56″ hips would put me in a 26/28). I’m betting I’m a lot shorter than you (I’m 5′ 3″). Or else you just have a lot more muscle than I.
Thanks so much for this post. I came to a similar conclusion for myself a few years ago when I was at an all-time high weight and in a severe depression: How can I take better care of myself when I don’t even like myself?
I’ve had many fits and starts, but ever since then I’ve tried daily to find something about myself that I like, that I am proud of, that I can honor. Some days it’s everything about me: mind, body, and sprit. Other days, when the critic in my head is on overdrive, it might just be the curve of my ankles, buy hey, whatever works. When I’m thinking about what I like, my brain doesnt’ have room to think about all the things that are “wrong.”
I love the idea of being bold. Reminds me of a moment I had in Walgreen’s recently. I was looking for a new lipstick and my final choice was based almost completely on the name of the color: Moxie. EVery girl needs a little moxie, right? Have a great weekend!
I suppose my three more inches of height would explain it. And I’m an “apple” body type, as opposed to a “pear”. At the end of a long day, that just really threw me for a loop.
And I like that your blog’s name comes from an Eleanore Roosevelt quote. She’s a great source of wisdom about female strength.
At a size 6 I was unhappy. I thought I looked fat in our vacation photos and wanted to lose “just 6 more pounds”. If you don’t solve your emotional issues, you’re unhappy at any weight.